How Harry Potter Scenes Could Have Ended DH
by HarryPotterEncyclopedia24
Summary: Some parodies of scenes in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, mainly focusing on how they could have ended. Can be as unrealistic and funny as possible. Rated T for swearing. Swearing is only for amusement, not abuse.
1. Neville in Battle of Hogwarts

**A/N:**

**Hello guys, I was bored while updating my profile, and this idea of writing this just popped into my head. I'm not sure if I'm going to update frequently, because I'm only going to write it if my brain can't function for other stories I'm writing. Some part may not make sense because I'm just making it as random as possible, so you don't need to point out some parts for me: I already know, since I am a Harry Potter Encyclopedia. And for the swear words throughout this story, it's just for amusement, okay? It's not like, I swear every second or something. I don't swear if I can, and this is only a special occasion. Only for fun.**

**I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER. THIS APPLIES TO ALL THE OTHER CHAPTERS IN THIS STORY.**

**X**

Recap:

Voldemort believes that Harry is dead and he is now preparing to kill Neville using a burning Sorting Hat….

Neville's POV

While he was wearing a burning Sorting Hat, the defenders of Hogwarts attacked firing spells furiously at the Death Eaters. Neville somehow got free from the curse, and was about to take off the ruined hat when something heavy fell on his head.

"OW!" he yelled. "Who the bloody heck would keep their sword in their hat?" Swearing, Neville took off the hat, and saw a ruby-handled sword inside, waiting to be used.

"All right, let's get this party started." Neville pulled out the sword, eager to decapitate anybody evil enough to attack him.

Voldemort's pet snake-was it Nagini?-slithered towards him, ready to attack. Neville didn't think twice. He raised his new sword, and aimed at somewhere between the snake's head and the body, since snakes' necks were the same as their bodies.

Surprisingly, the sword met its target, slicing the snake's head clean off from the body. At the sight of blood, Neville got totally excited. He didn't care that Voldemort was screaming in fury at the sight of his pet snake getting killed.

"THAT WAS MY HORCRUX, IDIOT BOY!" he yelled, glaring at Neville murderously.

"WHAT'S A HORCRUX?" Neville yelled back, gripping the bloodstained sword.

"NEVER YOU MIND!" screamed Voldemort, and he continued his path, blasting little kids out of his way using the Elder Wand. Man, Voldemort was so evil.

Neville shrugged off, and surveyed the crowd for more victims. Bellatrix Lestrange came into his eyes, and he bounded after her, screaming for bloody murder.

Students cleared off, as Neville ran through them. Sure, nobody wanted to aggravate a 17-year old serial killer with a sword smeared with blood. Even the Death Eaters made path for him, even though they had wands in their hand.

When Bellatrix saw Neville, she shrieked with laughter, and aimed a spell at Neville. He carelessly deflected with his sword, and continued his sprinting. When Neville wasn't affected by her curse, Bellatrix's eyes widened with fear, and she ran off, screaming her head off as Neville ran after her.

"I'M GONNA DO THE SAME TO YOU AS I DID TO THE SNAKE, WOMAN!" he yelled, swinging his swords at nearby Death Eaters.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Bellatrix screamed, as she blasted her way through the battling crowd.

Neville managed to corner Lestrange in the corner, where she eyed the sword with her fearful eyes.

"What are you going to do, boy?" she asked.

"Well, it is pretty obvious." With that, Neville impaled Bellatrix with his sword. She screamed for one last time, and exploded into a pound of black powders. A witch turning into powders? That was unusual.

He spent the last few hours attacking Death Eaters with his new sword. He did this until everybody fell silent to see Harry and Voldemort's final duel.

**All those long explanations and some incomprehension after, plus some epic dueling:**

Neville could see Harry walking towards him. He walked up to him too, wearing a proud smile on his face.

"Hey, Neville," said Harry. "Where the f*** did you get that sword?"

"What? Oh, this just fell out of the Sorting Hat," explained Neville. "Who knew the hat had a secret weapon?"

"Um, Neville? I used that sword to kill the basilisk in our second year," said Harry.

"Really?" Neville eyed the sword. "Then this sword must be destined to kill all kinds of snakes! I'll make so much profit on being a snake killer."

"Well, if you attack endangered species, you'll get apprehended for killing rare snakes," piped up Hermione.

"Shut the hell up, Hermione! I don't care!" yelled Neville. "I also killed Bellatrix." After saying her name, Neville's eyes widened, showing the true sign of a crazed killer.

"Hermione, get away from him!" said Ron. He pulled out his wand, and pointed at Neville. "Put down your sword, you f***ed up piece of s***! I will never allow you to kill my BFF or my girlfriend, because I have a WAND."

Neville drew his sword too. "Well, ginger, I have a SWORD." They raised their weapons right up to their eye levels, shooting daggers at each other. Harry and Hermione looked at Ron and Neville worriedly, glancing at Professor McGonagall, who was telling Filch off for giving his bucket to a Death Eater. They were about to see some blood.

THE END


	2. In the Malfoy Manor

**A/N:**

**HOLY BLAZE RODS, 4 REVIEWS, 5 FAVOURITES, 2 ALERTS AND OVER 250 HITS RIGHT AFTER BEING PUBLISHED! THANK YOU SOO MUCH EVERYONE! XD Wow, this is amazing! Woohoo!**

**I wrote this one at school, randomly scribbling on the back on my science sheet. Suddenly, I had this idea, so I started to write the whole thing, laughing about 30 seconds or so, because I was slightly mad that time. Oh I'm probably gonna censor swear words if I feel like it, because even if I censor it, everybody knows what it is by the number of stars. But I'm not that type of person who swears all the time, all right? I don't know about the rating though, tell me if I should keep it T or change it to M. Wait-I'm gonna stop talking. Keep reading and don't forget to review!**

**X**

Recap:

Harry and his friends are at Malfoy Manor, with Malfoy's crazed aunt Bellatrix Lestrange threatening to kill Hermione….

Nobody's POV

Harry glared at Bellatrix, who kept cackling evilly.

"Let her go, you bitch!" Ron yelled. Lestrange kept laughing, holding tight to Hermione.

Suddenly, a chandelier fell out of nowhere, landing at the spot where Bellatrix and Hermione were standing. Bellatrix screamed like a lame little girl, running away and pushing Hermione away from her.

Swearing, Bellatrix pulled out her wand, as Ron pulled Hermione out from the wreckage. "Whoever that asshole was," she screamed, "he's gonna pay for it!"

Dobby popped out in front of Harry's team. "That asshole was me, witch," he squeaked. He took Bellatrix's wand away, leaving her crying. Dobby took the others' wands away too.

"You elf," Draco Malfoy snarled. "How dare you take your masters' wands?"

"I dare because I have no masters!" Dobby squealed. "You Malfoys are not Dobby's masters! The great Harry Potter liberated Dobby from you wretches by giving me a SOCK." He proudly stuck his foot out, where a mouldy sock was stuck on it, giving off a foul stench.

"Put that away at once, filthy mongrel!" Bellatrix bawled, backing away from Dobby.

"Ah, but you is not my master," said Dobby triumphantly. "And Dobby only takes orders from Harry Potter and his friends." Harry beamed at him, with Ron giving two thumbs up.

"You-how-" Narcissa stuttered, staring at Dobby in horror. Lucius was still out cold.

Dobby and Harry and Ron exchanged glances. They nodded, and raised their wands.

"_Stupefy!_" Harry and Ron shouted, pointing their wands at Bellatrix and Draco. The two of them collapsed, leaving Narcissa alone.

"Oh well done, guys!" said Hermione, a bit shakily. "Now we don't have anyone to shoot spells or chuck knives at us."

"Yeah, smart idea, Dobby," said Ron. Dobby beamed.

Narcissa looked as if she was shell-shocked. Harry looked at her, and said to Dobby, "Um, let's go quickly, shall we? Before any reinforcements come?"

Dobby nodded, and held everybody's hands, preparing to Disapparate.

BAM! The sound of knocking down the front door of Malfoy Manor was audible. Everybody froze.

"Sorry, but I had a little delay," the voice of Voldemort came from the other room. "Grindelwald wouldn't just spit out the location of my wand, so I killed him. Don't look at me like that! I mean, I'm the Dark Lord. And there can't be two Dark Lords in the same world. There was also a McDonald's drive-thru, and the things muggles come up with! I couldn't miss a treat, can I? No, no, I'm sorry, Rabastan, but I refuse to believe it. They were all necessary for me. Anyway, where are Potter and his friends? I flew over 200 kilometres just to kill him, and didn't even get to collect my Happy Meals toy! I shall not be disappointed anymore." Footsteps were definitely getting closer.

"Quick, Dobby, now!" Harry whispered frantically. Dobby nodded his big head, and the gang Disapparated. But they stayed long enough to see Voldemort coming through the threshold, clutching a McDonald's takeaway bag, and wearing a confused expression. His mouth opened to say something, but Harry was gone.

After some awkward silence, Voldemort said, "What the hell was that?"


	3. Ministry of Magic Scene

**A/N:**

**Thankyouthankyouthankyou SOOOOO MUCH for your responses! XD You people make such good audiences. My brain refuses to write The Minecraft Chronicles right now, so yeah, sorry for people waiting for chapter 16 (or 17, whatever), but some ideas and my humour senses are kicking in again, so here you go!**

**P.S. I do not own, in any way, the parts where redvines and Harry Potter is involved. AVPM and AVPS does.**

**X**

Recap:

Harry, Ron and Hermione are disguised as Ministry of Magic employees, and is currently at Mary Cattermole's trial with Dolores Umbridge, Yaxley, and a shit load of dementors….

Again, nobody's POV

"According to all our evidences here, Mrs Cattermole," said Umbridge in a high-pitched voice that made Harry's blood pressure rise. "You are NOT a witch, so therefore, you cannot own this wand." She held up a wand with her meaty hands. Upon seeing her confiscated wand, Mrs Cattermole cried harder.

"I-paid-seven-g-galleons-for that!" she gasped, looking at her wand longingly.

"Ah, but then your money has gone into waste," Umbridge trilled, twirling the wand in her hand, and doodling over a sheaf of parchment with it. "No, wait, did even MUGGLES get to own wizard money?"

"Last time I checked, no!" Yaxley cackled.

Umbridge smiled widely, bending down upon the snivelling Mrs Cattermole. "I'm sorry, Mrs Cattermole, but unlike me, your ancestry isn't pure enough to join the wizard society. You don't even have valuable objects like _these_." She held out a locket, with an ornate _S_ carved on it. Harry and Hermione's eyes widened, staring at Umbridge's locket disbelievingly. Ron, who didn't notice any of this, kept muttering something about redvines and Professor McGonagall's spectacles.

"How did you get this locket, Dolores?" asked Hermione, in a shaky voice, pointing at the locket dangling from Umbridge's foul hand.

"It's from the Selwyn family," she replied. "I'm related to the family, you know."

"Wait, does that mean the Death Eater Selwyn is related to you?" asked Harry disbelievingly.

"Yes, got a problem with that, Runcorn?" snapped Umbridge.

"No no, not at all," said Harry hastily, but muttered under his breath, "except that he's a crappy douche-bag liking to lick Voldemort's shoes."

He quickly made eye contact with Hermione, and sent some sign language with his hands. Hermione violently shook her head, sending a cascade of parchment down from her desk.

"What's wrong, Mafalda?" Umbridge asked, staring at Hermione with her wide toadlike eyes.

Harry swore. "Couldn't you just stay blind for a moment, you f***ed up bitch?" He pulled out his wand, and shouted "_Stupefy!_", stunning Umbridge and sending her backwards.

"Hermione!" he yelled. "Get it from her!"

Hermione stared at Harry as if he was crazy. "There's no way I'm touching her foul cardigan and her disgustingly thick neck!"

"Dangit Hermione, nobody cares right now even if you touch a rotten piece of meat!" shouted Harry. Yaxley was preparing to attack Harry.

"_Impedimenta!_" Ron roared, aiming his wand at Yaxley. The Death Eater went the same way as Umbridge did.

Harry sighed exasperatedly. "Thanks Ron, it's so helpful that you didn't use Avada Kedavra."

"But using it on a fellow human being means Azkaban!" protested Ron.

"Holy crap, Ron, law doesn't _matter_," said Harry. "If this law is still working, everybody will have their permanent room in Azkaban!"

"Yeah, I guess." Ron turned to Mrs Cattermole, who was as white as Voldemort's flat face.

"Reg," she whispered. "You learned how to do the Impediment Curse."

"Oh my wizard god," Ron yelled. "I knew it since I was five!"

"But then, how come you never told me?" asked Mrs Cattermole.

"Because I'm not your freaking husband!" shouted Ron. "Wake up from your dreams, woman! Face it, Reginald Cattermole was never in this courtroom, and he never will, because you are just freaking GETTING OUT OF HERE!" He grabbed Mrs Cattermole's arm, and beckoned Harry and Hermione forward. "Come on, we gotta get out of here, or those bull craps will kiss us in the mouth!"

Sure enough, the dementors were free from the cat patronus, swarming over to glue someone's mouth with theirs. The gang bolted for the exit, while Yaxley groaned in the background.

"THIS WAY!" Harry yelled, as he opened an elevator door and shoved the rest in.

"Harry, but what about the other muggle-borns?" Hermione asked.

"They'll be fine," said Ron. "I gave them some redvines."

Hermione gaped at Ron.

"Come on," whined Ron. "What the hell can't they do?"

"Well, for instance, they don't have bullets that can kill wizard cops!" screamed Hermione.

"Wow Hermione, that was the first time I ever heard you talking about shooting people," said Harry.

"I don't understand," piped up Mrs Cattermole, as the elevator clanked down. "Why are you calling her Hermione, and Ron for my husband-"

"SHUT UP, WOMAN!" the three of them yelled in unison. They spent the rest of the journey in awkward silence, with Mrs Cattermole cowering in the corner.

The lift opened, and the four of them bustled out.

"Harry!" Hermione said.

"What?" Harry snapped back.

"Your Polyjuice Potion is wearing off!"

Harry touched his face. "Merlin's crap, why does this potion have to end quickly?"

"You had the whole hour, and you spent it by searching Umbridge's lair!" said Hermione. "And you found nothing!"

"Well, I spent my hour more wisely than you," retorted Harry, his face going red. "You just sat there signing parchments for the toad!"

"Guys, guys, just chill," said Ron. "Let's work this out carefully. There are about tons of Voldemort supporters in that crowd, and we have to somehow get to the fireplace over there."

Somewhere from the top, banging sounds were to be heard, with some excited voices from the muggle-borns.

"Yup, there goes the redvines," said Ron. "A shame that they only used it for military purposes."

"Ron, it was a life and death situation!" screamed Hermione.

Harry growled at the two of them, and they stopped shouting. "Guys, the last thing we want are attraction, and guess what? We got a shit load of it." Ministry workers were staring at the four of them, some even from brushing their teeth.

"Holy bowler hat of Fudge!" someone yelled. "It's Harry Potter!"

"Wow, thanks for announcing my name, buddy," said Harry sarcastically. Wizard cops filed in, with sirens blaring.

"Time to hijack the fireplaces," announced Hermione. They ran for the place, weaving in and out through the crowd, attacking people who were preparing to attack them.

"STOP!" a voice yelled. A Yaxley was marching towards them, blasting propagandas out of the way as he walked towards Harry and his friends. Yes, he walked, not running.

Ron was about to push in Mrs Cattermole, when the REAL Reginald Cattermole emerged from the crowd, wearing a bewildered expression.

"Mary?" he asked blankly. "What is going on?"

"Oh, great, a complete set," grumbled Ron. He grabbed the Cattermoles, and shoved them in a fireplace.

"Wait, what are you doing?" asked Mr Cattermole. "I'm sure you don't have the right to do this-"

"Who cares about the bloody right now?" said Ron irritably, as the Yaxley was getting closer and closer. Ron gave a final push, and the Cattermoles were gone.

"Well, that was delightful," said Harry. "Now it's our turn."

"Wait," said Hermione. "If we don't take care of the Death Eater, we'll regret it seriously."

"How?" asked Ron, his eyes narrowed.

"Like, he can grab onto us and follow us," suggested Hermione.

"Hermione's got a point," agreed Harry. He shot a Stunning Spell at Yaxley, who deflected it. Following his cue, Ron shot another curse at him before he can defend himself. Soon, Yaxley was ended up in some kind of a hybrid between a sea urchin and a dolphin.

"Right. Go. NOW!" Harry yelled. The three of them grabbed a fireplace, and Disapparated.

When they ended up in a forest, Hermione said, "I can't believe it we actually made it!"

"You can believe now," said Harry.

Ron looked around, and said, "Guys, where are we?"

X

**A/N:**

**Right, so that's it for this one. Oh BTW for the part where it says 'a Yaxley' and all that, my brother suggested it, so huzzah and all that. That's it folks. See ya later. I won't swear in the A/N though.**


	4. Room of Requirement

**A/N:**

**Not much to say, but there will be some AVPM/AVPS references in the story, so I don't entirely own ideas in this one.**

X

Recap:

Harry, Ron and Hermione are at the Room of Requirement, where the Fiendfyre is raging on, and they got to save Draco Malfoy and Goyle before they get burnt down….

Once again, Nobody's POV

"COME ON!" Harry yelled, as he dodged an attack from a killer phoenix. "We gotta get out of here soon!"

"But Harry," Hermione screamed, "what about Malfoy?"

"What about them?" Ron asked.

"Well, you're not going to let them burn, are you?" Hermione asked indignantly.

"Why not?" Harry shouted back. "I mean, look at what they have done to us!"

"Saving them might help us greatly in the future! And even though they have been douche bags, we gotta forgive them!"

"Well, I'm certainly not gonna save their sorry skins," said Ron, but after he saw Harry and Hermione race towards the Slytherins, he sighed, "Great, why do they have soft hearts anyway?" and zoomed after them.

"Help!" wailed Draco, as he was supporting an unconscious Goyle. "Crabbe did this, not US! And now he's dead, so please save us!"

"Rescue party arrived!" Harry announced, as he hauled Draco on board his broom. "Now stop snivelling, Draco! Don't be a weiner jacket." After Hermione pulled Goyle onto her broom, the rest of them raced out of the place, dodging oncoming fire demons.

"Unicorn at 6 o'clock!" Ron yelled, as a unicorn with wings and a shining tail stampeded towards them. Ron waved his wand, and the unicorn exploded.

"Yup, exploding is magic," said Ron.

"Why does that phrase sound familiar?" asked Hermione suspiciously.

"Never mind," said Ron dismissively.

Harry searched the flaming room, looking for any sign of a crown thing that belonged to Ravenclaw…. He hovered around the fire, lunging into random places for any evidences that the diadem was there.

"NO!" Malfoy screamed. "What the f*** are you doing? The entrance is that way! Are you committing suicide?"

"No," answered Harry impatiently. "I'm trying to do some good in this whole damned world!"

"How?"

"I'm trying to find the diadem!" said Harry.

"What's so great about that thing anyway?" asked Draco.

"It's a damn little f***ing Horcrux!" Harry yelled, as a flaming sheep came out nowhere, bleating madly and spewing something that suspiciously looked like shit.

"And why do you care about that thing?" asked Draco, as he dodged a piece of flammable shit.

"Because we can kill Voldemort with it! If we lose that, we are seriously screwed. Don't you want to see Voldemort die?" asked Harry.

"No."

"Right, get off."

"NO, I TAKE THAT BACK, PLEASE DON'T DUMP ME!" Draco yelled, staring at the fire fearfully.

"That sounds like you're gay," said Harry. But he veered off and followed Ron and Hermione, who were having an epic battle with a fiery trollface guy and a bambiraptor.

"Incoming!" Ron yelled, as the trollface dude threw another "trolololol" attack. Hermione did a Silencing Charm, and the guy exploded with a final "troll" sound. The bambiraptor screamed in rage, and pounced at Hermione, but Ron blasted it away too.

"We really should get out of here!" Hermione screamed, as she dodged a fiery hamster's lunge.

"Come on, Harry! You can drop Malfoy later," said Ron, summoning a fire cat to counterattack the hamster. The cat gulped it down, and leered at Ron.

"Oh great, I bet the cat is more dangerous than the gerbil," sighed Harry. But he followed Hermione and Ron out of the fire, nearly having his broom end burned.

"Hurry, hurry!" Draco yelled, clawing Harry's shoulder.

"Quiet, man, do you want to be the driver?" Harry bellowed through the raging inferno.

Draco glanced at a gigantic fire mongoose. "No, I take that back," he said in a small voice.

"Good," said Harry, as he scanned the flaming room for any sign of a diadem that he lost track of because of Draco's silliness.

"THERE IT IS!" Ron yelled, pointing at a slowly falling tiara.

Harry veered sharply, and plunged head-first into the fire, Draco being a retard at his back.

"HARRY, LEAVE IT!" Hermione's panicky voice shouted. "IT'S NOT WORTH DYING FOR!"

"OF COURSE IT IS, YOU SILLY NIGHT TROLL! THAT'S WHY WE ARE FIGHTING!" Harry roared back, reaching out for the diadem.

"I MEAN, IT'LL GET DESTROYED BY THE FIRE!" Hermione screamed exasperatedly.

"The Horcrux is pretty evil, so I believe it won't be destroyed by some ordinary fire. Plus, I can't trust you anymore for what you have done." With that, Harry grabbed hold of the steaming diadem, despite Hermione's protest, and shot up, with Draco once again, being a double-retard.

"GO, GO, GO!" Ron shouted, zooming towards the exit. It was blocked by a giant flaming chocolate for some reason. Ron reluctantly casted _Aguamenti_, melting the chocolate bar.

Once the sentry was gone, Harry, Ron and Hermione, with two Slytherins at their back, toppled out from the entrance, quickly shutting the door with a loud BANG. Somewhere from the inside, a loud voice of Dumbledore yelled, "FACEPALM!"

"Did you get the Horcrux?" Ron asked urgently, as Hermione rolled away an unconscious Goyle.

"Here." Harry held it out, but before their eyes, the Horcrux shattered, releasing a piercing scream.

"I told you," said Hermione in a bossy tone. "That was Fiendfyre, and it can destroy Horcruxes."

"Why didn't you use it before?" asked Harry indignantly. "I mean, what's the trouble of coming all the way to Hogwarts other than finding this?"

"Because that curse was really really dangerous. I never would have used it."

"Fine, but that means one Horcrux is down, and two more is left." Harry stared at the snivelling Draco, who was clinging onto Goyle's body.

"Remember what I have done for you," said Harry. "One day, if you forget it, you'll regret it seriously." Draco gulped, and sat there petrified, as Harry and his friends rushed off to the battle.

**After all those fake deaths, epic duelling, and many deaths later**

"Well, it turned out that I was right," said Hermione brightly. They were having some private space after Voldemort died.

"What do you mean?" Harry asked, slightly frowning.

"I mean, if you didn't save Draco, you couldn't have told his mom that he was alive, which definitely should have affected your life or death."

Harry scratched his chin. "I guess. But I could have lied or something."

"You could have, but everybody likes telling truths, don't they?" said Hermione.

"No," Harry and Ron said together.

Hermione sighed.

X

**A/N:**

**I must mention my brother once again, played some part adding some things into this, like for instance, the 'damn little f***ing Horcrux' and 'flaming sheep'. Oh and 'exploding is magic' is from **_**My Little Creeper**_** image, which is a parody of My Little Pony. I find the picture hilarious, because I don't like My Little Pony, so I used it here.**


	5. The Carrows

**A/N:**

**All I have to say is that, I thought up of this when I was eating dinner, and started to tell a weird parody of this scene to my brother. I was giggling while writing this chapter, so I looked weird again. Hope you enjoy, and please review!**

**P.S. I don't own the idea of 'magic word'. Rick Riordan of Percy Jackson series does.**

**X**

Recap:

Harry and Luna are in the Ravenclaw common room with Alecto Carrow, who managed to sneak up on them like a bitch….

Yeah, you know what? I'm dropping POVs from now on.

"I'm gonna press the magic button, Potter!" Alecto cackled, as her ugly finger hovered above her Dark Mark. "Unless you say the magic word," she added slyly.

"What, puke?" asked Harry.

Alecto's face reddened. "That's it, I'm pressing the magic button, and you tiny beautiful bitches will be blown off this sad world." With that, she punched the Dark Mark with her fist, and rolled on the floor, howling in pain.

"Um, you can't call me a bitch, because I'm a guy, but you can count Luna," said Harry, as Alecto hurled herself downwards again, grabbing her red wrist.

"Hey!" Luna protested, but before she can slap him, Harry's scar began to burn.

"Oh crap, our V-friend knows we're here," said Harry, clapping his hand onto his scar, and rolled on the floor along with Alecto, suffering from not his scar, but the slap.

"What. A. Fail," sighed Luna, as she sympathetically watched the two of them howling on the floor.

A banging noise came outside, and Luna immediately pounced on Harry, blocking his mouth.

"ALECTO?" came Amycus' voice. "SIS, ARE YOU IN THERE? IS THAT YOU SCREAMING, OR THE ASSFACES? SURELY, YOU'RE NOT GETTING ATTACKED BY TODDLERS, AREN'T YOU? WHERE'S POTTER?"

"Shut up, Harry!" Luna whispered frantically, as Harry struggled. Luna freed one of her hand, pulled out her wand, and Stunned Alecto Carrow, which made her screaming stop immediately.

Amycus roared. "THAT'S IT, I'M COMING IN! YOU'RE SUCH A WHINY BITCH, ALECTO! JUST LIKE WHEN YOU WERE ATTACKED BY A TURTLE WHEN YOU WERE THREE!" The banging got louder.

"Don't punch the door, as it would do nothing more." The eagle-shaped doorknob's voice floated down.

"STOP WITH THE RHYMES, PIGEON!" Amycus bellowed. "I HAVE TO GET IN THERE TO SEE MY BITCHY SISTER!"

"What's Dumbledore's best sock?" the eagle asked.

Amycus paused for a moment. "I thought it was supposed to be a riddle?" he protested. But before the doorknob can answer, a new person joined the party.

"May I ask what you are doing, Professor Carrow the First?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"I HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS F***ING DOOR!" yelled Amycus. "BUT THIS ASSHOLE IS TESTING ME!"

"Mind your language, professor!" said McGonagall." What in the name of Merlin's shiniest neon pink fluffy socks are you-?"

"Very true!" said the doorknob, and before the door opened, Luna said "shit you eagle", managed to cover the Invisibility Cloak over herself and Harry just in time Amycus barged in.

His eyes focused on her sister lying on the floor, unconscious while rubbing her red wrist.

"WHAT IS THIS?" he roared. "IS THIS ONE OF YOUR ACTINGS, ALECTO? BECAUSE I'M SICK ABOUT YOUR PATHETIC HOBBY!" He kicked her, but seeing she didn't react, he entered the rage mode.

"Oh dear," said McGonagall sarcastically. "Professor Carrow the Second is Stunned."

"THE WRETCHES DID THIS!" he shouted. "I WILL BLAME ON THEM FOR POTTER'S ABSENCE!"

"Potter?" asked Professor McGonagall. "He's here?"

"Oh he f***ing is, BigMac!" yelled Amycus. "Why would Alecto press the magic button?"

"You are evidently lying," said McGonagall coldly. "Potter and his friends are either in hiding or doing something epic that they won't tell us. Why would they come back to school, when they have the chance not to?"

"How do I know?" sneered Amycus. "How do I f***ing know what the f***ing kids are doing out from this f***ing school? You are very nosy indeed, Minerva McGonagall." He spat at her.

Suddenly, an invisible shield appeared before McGonagall, deflecting the spit back to Amycus. He swore in various languages, with McGonagall very surprised.

"Fail for you, Carrow," Said Harry, as he pulled off his Invisibility Cloak. He Cruciated Amycus briefly.

"Potter," stuttered McGonagall, staring at Harry disbelievingly.

"Yeah, I know, surprise," said Harry, bored.

"You used the second worse Unforgivable Curse," whispered McGonagall angrily. "We teachers always tell you not to do it!"

"But professor," Harry protested, "It was essential!"

"No excuses, Potter," fumed McGonagall. "It's against the laws."

"Well, I don't care about the bloody law," said Harry. "I used the Imperius Curse already anyway."

"You WHAT?"

"Yeah, I did it outside at Hogwarts. We were robbing the bank actually. To a Death Eater and a goblin."

Professor McGonagall seemed to have trouble deciding if Unforgivable Curses were worse than robbing the bank. "Even if it was done outside school, it still doesn't matter. Azkaban for you, Potter."

"Oh come on!" Harry yelled. "Flatface is coming to our school, and all we do is arguing about laws. How stupid is that?"

"He's coming here?" whispered McGonagall, white-faced. "Only for you?"

"Duh, woman," said Harry.

Professor McGonagall straightened herself, and saw Amycus stirring. She Imperiused him, ordering him to give his and Alecto's wand to her, and sit back and relax while she tied them up.

"Oh look, look," said Harry. "You just used the Imperius Curse when you told me not to. How do you explain that?"

"It was essential."

"I said the same thing, and you said no excuses! You just broke your own words! Yup, neighbours forever for Azkaban." McGonagall scowled.

At Voldemort's HQ:

Rodolphus Lestrange bowed at Voldemort, who was sitting on his throne and absentmindedly chewing a fry. "My lord, the Carrows say they have Potter," he mumbled.

Voldemort spewed the rest of his fry out. "Potter, did you say?" he asked, suddenly interested.

"Yes, my lord."

Voldemort looked at his ruined fry wistfully, and fished out a new one. "Oh darnit, the fries aren't that good anymore," he complained, as he set back the fry bag. He rose from his seat dramatically, and said, "Right, we shall move on to our next greatest stage!" he announced.

"What will it be, my lord?" asked Lestrange.

"Have it your way: Burger King." Rodolphus facepalmed.

X

**A/N:**

**So that's it, folks. Give credit to GothKat2SlashFan for suggesting "Merlin's shiniest neon pink fluffy socks", because she sent it over by PM to me, and I thought it was brilliant. Right, I'm gonna release all the pressure I had throughout this chapter. (Something so long that this website cannot display)**


	6. Forbidden Forest

**A/N:**

**Review from the previous chapter:**

**you should have voldemort in the scene were he tries to kill harry potter pull out a french fry and yell AVADA KEDAVRA!**

**CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.**

**X**

Recap:

Harry now knows he has to die, and approaches Voldemort, who is waiting for him at the dark Forbidden Forest….

"My lord," croaked Avery, who was holding out a paper bag to Voldemort. "Are you sure Potter will come here tonight?"

Voldemort picked a fry, and chewed thoughtfully. "Yeah, I reckon so," he answered. "I mean, he's probably really aggravated now that I accused him of his friends' deaths." He swallowed the fry, and turned to a masked Death Eater. "No sign of him yet?" he asked.

He shook his head. Voldemort stomped the ground, frustrated. "Damn! I thought he would. I even made a cake with chocolate icing saying 'DIE POTTER'. This is so unfair!"

Harry whipped off his Invisibility Cloak, and everybody gasped. "You made a cake? Just for me? I never thought you would do that for me, after all those years trying to kill me."

Voldemort laughed. "Well, you're right, because I DIDN'T make a cake. I just said that because I had a bet to Bellatrix that you would come."

Harry snapped his fingers. "Crap, I really wanted a cake, 'cause I never had a proper meal since I came to this stupid castle. Are you sure you didn't make any?"

Voldemort thought for a moment. "Last time I checked, no."

Harry hung his head. "Shame. I could have told Hermione that you can actually bake. Seriously? You just broke my heart."

"Tell me Potter," said Voldemort, slowly advancing with a Burger King bag in his hand. "Are you gay?"

Harry was stunned. "Why do you suddenly say that?"

"Because you said your heart was broken. That's what a person in love say when the other rejects it," explained Voldemort.

"Um, I know the definition, thank you," said Harry. "Now gimme that damn little cake you're talking about."

Voldemort sighed exasperatedly. "I told you, Potter, that I never had a cake! If I had any, I would have eaten it for myself. You know how much I like food."

"Uh, I dunno," said Harry, confused. "So, I don't get any food before I die?"

"Sadly, no," said Voldemort. "Unless you count this." He pulled out a medium-sized cake from his back. The icing DIE POTTER was written across the white cake top.

Harry's eyes zoomed into it. "So you did have a cake, Tom!" he exclaimed. "Why did you lie to me?"

Voldemort chuckled. "Because if you look at it closely," Harry leaned forward, looking at the cake. "You'll see it's not the type you're expecting."

"What do you mean?" asked Harry.

"Well, for instance, it can be THIS!" Voldemort suddenly placed his hand under the cake, and punched Harry through the cake. Harry toppled back, while the cake lid flew open, and a note saying 'GOT YOUR NOSE!' came out.

"Hahahahaha," Voldemort laughed with his Death Eaters. "Get it, Potter? Got your nose? Because I don't have a nose!" he cackled evilly again, while Harry was massaging his nose.

"Voldemort, you're so mean," he whined. "First, you say you have a cake for me, then you say you don't have it, and you get the cake from your back, and punched me through it, which was actually fake! I'm really disappointed it wasn't a real one, because I really liked the P icing on it. Shoot, why did you have to do that? It's not April Fool's, or otherwise, Fred and George would be celebrating their birthday! Oh wait, Fred is dead, so it's only George. But anyway, you suck like hell."

Voldemort guffawed. "I don't care about your opinion, Potter. I'll be killing you very soon."

"When?" Harry asked.

"NOW!" He whipped out something from his bag, and yelled, "_AVADA KEDAVRA!_"

Harry winced, and recoiled, but after realising he was still alive, he opened his eyes to see Voldemort holding out a mouldy looking French fry.

"Uh, my mistake," said Voldemort, as the fry's end drooped sadly. He shoved it back in, and produced the real Elder Wand, and aimed at Harry.

"You put the Elder Wand, the Deathstick, the Wand of Destiny, and the most powerful wand in the universe, in a French fry bag?" asked Harry. "Really?"

"Really," answered Voldemort. He trained his wand tip at him, and said the A-curse. Everybody shielded their eyes as the green light exploded around them, hitting Harry.

X

Harry was in the limbo, after all those awkward moments of being alone, and meeting Voldemort's bloody soul. Dumbledore approached him.

"Harry," he beamed. "You wonderful-"

"WHOA!" screamed Harry. "It's Dusty!" He fumbled for his wand, but realised he didn't bring it to the limbo.

Dumbledore sighed. "F*** Moody's dust figure, I hate it."

Harry stared at him. "Professor, for the first time in your century and a half-life, you actually swore."

Dumbledore sighed again. "Harry, I swore loads of times when I was BFF with Grindelwald. That charming fellow knew so many going from-never mind, he knew about 1,000,000,000 swear words."

An idea popped into Harry's mind. "Oh yeah, you were gay!" he exclaimed.

"Oh yes I am, Harry," said Dumbledore, beaming.

"You know, Professor? Before Voldemort cursed me, he called me gay."

Dumbledore looked at him. "That will be because Lord Voldemort does not understand the full concept of the wonderful relationship referred as homosexuality, or more commonly known as, gay."

Harry nodded understandingly. "Ah, that explains it."

"Yes. Tom was such an arrogant little slimeball that nosed into people's personal business. Once, when he found out about my feelings towards Gellert, he advertised it to the whole school, with the slogan 'DUMBLEDORE'S GAY!' on the posters. I almost lost my Order of Merlin, and my position on the Wizengamot thanks to him. But, remember, Harry, that being gay isn't something to be embarrassed: You have to stand tall, and admit you do, showing your pride, of joining the gay nation!"

Harry stared at him. "Thanks for the advice, but I'm already hooked up with Ginny."

Dumbledore looked offended. "You fancy a girl? How-how can you!"

"But Ginny's like, really hot, and I don't like to go out with my same gender. But doesn't mean that I hate gays," said Harry hastily.

Dumbledore looked at him for a full 5 second, and nodded. "Yes, Harry. That is good. It's not like we can transform Ginevra into a male counterpart."

Harry shook his head violently. "I would hate that idea. And Mr and Mrs Weasley wouldn't want another son, who's actually a transgender male."

They spent the next few minutes discussing the importance of being gay, while hearing to Dumbledore's best music in the limbo: Voldemort's soul moaning.

When 30 minutes passed, Dumbledore slapped his forehead. "Merlin's unholy shit, we're running out of time! Listen, Harry, this is really important. Possibly even more important than the gay business." Harry gasped. "Yes, Harry, you are the last Horcrux of the slimeball Tom. I know you're not proud of it, but you are. That's why you didn't die: Voldemort's soul did instead. And oh, now that you know I'm the former master of the Elder Wand, it's now Draco Malfoy's."

Harry gaped at him. "But wasn't it Snape?"

"No no, it was a conspiracy. But Malfoy the little shit came in at the last second, ruining our plan. So all you need to know, that Voldemort's NOT the Elder Wand's master."

"Okay, bye," said Harry, as Dumbledore began to disappear, but suddenly yelped. "Oh wait, what do I do when I get back?" But Dumbledore smiled at him, and was gone, leaving Harry screaming "FUUUUUUUUU-"

X

Voldemort opened his eyes. His back ached from lying on the forest floor. Death Eaters gathered around him concernedly, with Bellatrix the closest.

"Get out of my way, Bella!" he shouted, pushing her away. When Bellatrix joined the crowd, Dolohov sniggered, "Bella Swan." He was smacked in the head shortly afterwards.

Voldemort staggered to his feet, looking around his servants, some of whom dropped their spoon from eating something inside cans labelled DEATH.

"How long I was out?" he wondered out loud.

"An hour, my lord," answered Greyback.

"An hour, seriously?" asked Voldemort. "How about Potter? Did anyone have bothered to check if he was dead or not?" Everybody shook their heads, murmuring to themselves.

"Fine," sighed Voldemort. "Narcissa, check."

Narcissa Malfoy stumbled forward, and knelt before Harry's body. She felt the pulse in his neck.

"Oh my wizard god," she breathed. "HE'S A-"

Harry yanked her arm out from the other's view, and whispered furiously, "Don't blow my cover, woman! I'm supposed to be dead, but I'm not. Tell them I am dead, because I saved your sorry son from cursed fire."

"You did?" asked Narcissa.

"Yeah, so tell them!"

"Draco's saving part?"

"No, no! The I'm-supposed-to-be-dead part!"

"Oh, okay." She turned to the crowd, all deathly silent. "HE IS DEAD."

Somewhere from the woods, a random centaur charged out, yelling, "MARS IS BRIGHT TONIGHT!" He cantered off to the other side of the forest, leaving the Dark Forces in an awkward silence.

"Um, right," said Voldemort. "Now the cheering part." Immediately, everybody cheered, some shooting out sparks and blowing party horns. Voldemort smiled gleefully, as he broke off from a hug with Bellatrix. "Now, we shall go to the castle, share the news and some cookies!"

Everybody cheered louder, screaming "SHARING IS CARING!"

The crowd marched off, Hagrid carrying Harry's limp body on the lead. They eventually arrived at the front of the school, with everyone out to see why they yelled their head off.

"HARRY POTTER IS DEAD!" screamed Voldemort.

From the Forbidden Forest, a chorus of centaurs shouted "MARS IS BRIGHT TONIGHT!"

Everybody wailed, and called out Harry, but he went deaf, and enjoyed his relax in Hagrid's arms.

"YES, HARRY JAMES POTTER IS F***ING DEAD!" Voldemort laughed insanely, along with his Death Eaters, who were rapidly eating death and guffawing.

"Sorry, who's dead?" asked Harry innocently, as he went up, stretching and yawning. Dead silence filled the area.

"You-you," gasped Voldemort, pointing at Harry. Nagini hissed angrily.  
"Don't swear, Nagini," chided Harry. "Even if no one understands you, it's still wrong." He jumped out of Hagrid's arms, Hagrid looking at him disbelievingly. Harry walked back to the defenders of Hogwarts, who were gawking at him. He draped his arms around the stunned Ron and Hermione, grinning widely. "It's really good to be back with you guys," said Harry. He looked around him, and remembered something.

"Oh, you can fight now." He snapped his fingers, and everybody charged at each other, fighting, while Voldemort screaming "NOOOO, WHYYYYYYY?"

X

**A/N:**

**The 'Mars is bright tonight' parts are from my brother. That's all I have to say. Bye!**


	7. Gringotts Invasion

**A/N:**

**In this chapter, I've included a challenge from GothKat2SlashFan's PM. That's all I need to say.**

**X**

Recap:

Harry and his friends are trying to find Helga Hufflepuff's Cup in Gringotts, and they'll start by using the Polyjuice Potion….

"Are you sure this will work, Hermione?" asked Ron suspiciously, staring disgustingly at his Polyjuice Potion, which was made to imitate an imaginary guy that didn't even exist in this whole planet.

"Come on, Ron, I'm the brain person in this team," said Hermione exasperatedly, although she casted loathing look at her own potion: the essence of Bellatrix Lestrange.

"We can trust her, Ron," said Harry. "Hermione was right most of the times."

"Wait, most of the times?" asked Hermione suspiciously.

"Drink it up, drink it up," said Harry hurriedly, as he shoved Hermione's glass up her mouth. She retched for a moment, and transformed into Bellatrix.

"Ron, it's not _her_," said Harry, as he restrained Ron from cursing Bellatrix-Hermione.

"How do I look?" asked Hermione nervously.

"Like a complete bitc-" started Ron, but Harry clamped his hand over his mouth.

"You are a perfect little Miss Bella Swan," said Harry, smiling at her. He was smacked in the head shortly afterwards.

"Come up Griphook, piggy-back time," said Harry, as he crouched down.

"I hate piggy-backs," the goblin grumbled, but he got on anyway. Ron covered them with Harry's Invisibility Cloak

So the team marched on, with Hermione on the lead, and Ron right behind her. Harry followed them as quick as his leg would carry him and Griphook. Sadly, he bumped into a tramp.

"Ow, what the hell was that?" the tramp grumbled.

"Um, that would be my invisible sister," said Ron hastily. The guy glared at him, and continued to pinch the cat next to him.

The team eventually arrived at Gringotts, where two sentries stood guard with probe sticks. Harry had a vague image of warlocks holding a giant lollypop.

"WHOA, WAIT UP BELLA!" a voice behind them yelled. They turned around to see Travers the Death Eater hurrying towards him.

"What is it?" asked Hermione, bored.

"I forgot you had my slippers, so I'm here to retrieve it."

Hermione searched her pocket, and turned to Travers. "Sorry, man, think I left it at home."

"Fine, but I'm going to get it later," said Travers. "Who's that by the way?" He gestured towards Ron.

"That's Dragomir Despard," said Hermione. "It's a rubbish name, but it's his. He wants to join the Death Eaters. And mind you, he's Transylvanian."

"Damn, it's pretty hard to live with Death Eaters if you're foreign," complained Travers, looking pitifully at Ron. "Loads of them are racists, mind you. _I'm _racist," he added. Ron glared at him, but Travers turned to Hermione. "And you won't mind if I go to Gringotts with you, right?"

"Yeah yeah, whatever," she waved him off. "Wait, WHAT?"

"So it's settled then," he said happily, and marched them towards the sentries.

"Guys, I'm pretty sure I'll get caught," Harry whispered to his friends.

"Don't worry, we have a plan," Ron answered back.

The warlocks began to wave their probing stick on Hermione. "Pass," one of the guys said grumpily. "Next."

Travers passed, and so did Ron. Harry tried to move on with Ron, but the probes sensed something.

"Wait up there, mister," said the guy, suddenly alert.

"What's the problem now?" asked Ron warily.

"You sir just have something illegal concealed there. We Gringotts guards care very much about-"

"That _something_ is mine," said Hermione coldly. "And the Dark Lord needs the item very dearly. If you security guards have problem with the thing, you have problem with the Dark Lord. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am," the guards hastily replied, still looking suspiciously at the hidden thing, which were actually living things.

The team entered the building, everything polished and shining. Goblins were sitting at their desks, droning in their own language, counting off gold and writing contracts.

Hermione approached the front counter, and announced, "I wish to enter my vault!"

Apparently, the goblin was deaf, because he asked, "Identification?"

"WHAT!" Hermione exploded.

"Your wand, miss." The goblin raised his hand. Hermione confidently placed her wand on his hand. "Hmm, nice model too. So no imposter troubles back there?"

"Imposter?" asked Travers, confused. "What-?"

"_Imperio!_" whispered Harry, training his wand at Travers. He was now dazed, murmuring and nodding. Harry did the same to the goblin on the counter."

"So, what was your earlier question again?" asked the goblin, handing back the wand to Hermione.

She was completely bewildered, but she played on. "I wish to enter my vault."

The goblin looked surprised. "I thought you never wanted to see your vault again, right after that dragon incident."

"I apparently had a change of heart," Hermione went on, sweating. "I have an important business down there. It's got to do with You Know What." She reminded herself that she just made it up. Apparently, her imaginary business was real on the bank too.

The goblin paled, and said, "Of course, right away, Madame Lestrange. BOGROD!" He yelled, and an elderly goblin wearing spectacles and giggling slightly came forward.

"Yes?" he asked in a slightly amused tone.

"Escort Madame Lestrange and her company to her vault. It's You Know What business, and STOP LAUGHING!" he ended up shouting, because Bogrod the goblin was pulling at Travers' sleeve, mumbling something about Thestrals chewing bubble gums and floating hobo hamsters. "You don't want _her _to get mad at you," he whispered, dramatically dropping his volume. Unfortunately, Hermione heard.

"I don't like to be kept waiting," she said in a bossy tone. "Waiting in public places for a long time extremely pisses me off."

"Right you are, Madame Lestrange. On you go, Bogrod!" the goblin barked. The goblin slightly giggled, and led the team and a racist out.

They soon reached the rollercoaster track, with Bogrod weakly summoning a cart for them. When the cart rolled over, Harry slightly raised his arm, and placed the curse on Bogrod. After that was done, they hopped on, Harry taking off his Cloak.

Travers hiccupped slightly, as his unfocused eyes looked at Harry. "I've seen you somewhere," he said, slightly frowning. "Very familiar face."

"Yeah, I'm a star," said Harry. "A very famous one in the muggle world."

"Oh," Travers mumbled. "When I saw you, you strongly reminded me of a-a-retard I saw on a poster. Can't remember his name, though," he concluded, looking disappointed.

"That's fine," said Harry reassuringly, patting Travers' shoulder while cursing his name mentally.

Bogrod prodded Ron-Dragomir lightly. "Have you seen my bunny?" he asked. "His name is Bloody."

"Why did you name a bunny like that?" asked Ron suspiciously.

"Because his hobby is committing suicide," said Bogrod promptly. "He's a suicidal bunny, liking to kill himself in various ways, going from jumping off a cliff and to disembowelment. A shame really, but it looks like he went to kill himself again! I shouldn't have given him a saw for Christmas!" He laughed maniacally, leaving them all in an awkward silence.

"Right," said Hermione uncertainly, as Bogrod continued to giggle. "We have a racist blundering about some retard, and a goblin laughing about his serial bunny. Anything else?"

"Yeah, the waterfall right there," said Ron, pointing at a waterfall. Hermione's eyes widened.

"Shit, shit, shit," she cursed. "What an asshole these bank managers are."

"Why?" asked Harry. He shortly found out why as they went through the magical water. Hermione and Ron changed back to their original form, with Travers and the goblin shaking their head, looking confused.

"Merlin's great-grandmother's cousin's nephew's friend's son's twin brother's unholy 500-year old 70 percent-off neon pink extra-fluffy mouldy bunny rabbit slippers in an out-of-date trashcan!" Ron yelled, as he saw Hermione change back to her normal form. "When did you come with us, Hermione?"

"I was with you the whole time!" she said exasperated. But she stopped saying when the cart dumped them. Everybody screamed like lame little kiddies as they fell to the ground, until Hermione did the most sensible thing: She shut up, and cast a charm to slow them down.

As they all landed on the ground safely, Travers muttered, "Who am I, and where is this place?"

"_Imperio!_" Harry cursed on Travers, and continued. "You're the retard you saw on a poster."

Travers started to cry.

Bogrod looked around, and suddenly yelled, "THIEVES! IMPOSTERS! ROBBERS IN THE BANK!"

Harry Imperiused him, and left him wandering around, calling for his serial bunny and another bird that liked to eat itself.

"Where are we?" asked Ron, looking around.

"Right near the Lestrange's vault," answered Hermione, and she marched off, with the rest of them following. They decided to ditch Travers, because he was an additional weight, so they silenced him, and shoved him in a cabinet.

When they turned, however, they saw a massive dragon tethered to a corner of the room, sniffing and snarling to them. Bogrod instinctively picked up a clanker, and shook it, forcing the dragon back to the corner.

"We trained him to be afraid of the sound," Griphook whispered to the team, as they moved on, still forcing the dragon back.

"Neat!" Ron exclaimed. They shifted towards the entrance, and allowed Bogrod to swipe his hand over the door. After lots of clanking and unlocking sounds, the door opened, giving a full view of the treasures inside.

"HOLY CRAP!" Ron shouted. "That bitch kept all her gold in here? Our family can live with these over 10 years!"

"Ron, don't touch anything," said Hermione sharply, as he stretched his hand towards a basket of galleons.

"What's wrong with them?" Harry asked.

"They might be cursed," she answered, but Harry accidentally tripped over a gold racoon statue. The statue burst into flames, and produced replicas of itself.

"Oh wow," whispered Hermione, as Harry swore. "There are Gemini Curse and Flagrante Curse on them."

"F***, f***, f***!" yelled Harry, as he bumped into nearby treasures. Soon, Harry was well-coated in blisters, surrounded by numerous copies of a silver garden gnome and a bronze pitchfork.

"Stop moving, Harry," Ron hissed. "Don't burn us as well!"

"Can you stay put when your legs are burning?" Harry hissed back.

"Concentrate on our tasks, guys!" said Hermione. "Search for an object with a mongoose on it!"

"It's a badger, you genius," said Ron.

"Oh thank you for reminding me that, Jedi Master Yoda," said Hermione sarcastically.

"Whatever you say, Leia Organa Solo," said Ron, smirking.

Hermione completely lost her head. "SHE IS _SO_ MARY SUE!" she screamed, tears running down from her eyes.

"What the hell Hermione, Leia is so NOT Mary Sue!" Ron yelled. "How in any way is she Mary Sue?"

"Her planet was blown into bits, all with her family and her people!" retorted Hermione. "She's got a real father who's Darth Vader, and her real mother died after she was born! And she didn't know her love was her brother!"

"That doesn't make her Mary Sue, Hermione! You're just being a melodramatic idiot!" Ron and Hermione continued to argue on if Leia was a Mary Sue or not. Finally, Harry's temper exploded. He marched right up to the couple, grabbed their shoulders to face him, and slapped their faces two times.

"Grip yourself, people!" Harry roared in their face, as he slapped each of them one more time. "Don't spend our precious time on identifying Mary Sue Star Wars characters! Find the freaking object of Hufflepuff the Finder, and get the hell out of here!" He turned his murderous glare to a shelf, and spotted a golden cup with a badger on it.

"Well well well," said Ron, spotting the cup too. "Looks like we found another badass soul of Lord Voldemort."

"We certainly did," agreed Hermione. "Now getting it would be a piece of cake."

**30 minutes of burning, duplicating treasures, floating upside down and more burnings plus some betrayal after**

"Getting it wasn't a piece of cake," gasped Harry, as his hand clamped over the cup of Hufflepuff. "Why did she have to have a cup with so little handle?"

"I know right?" fumed Ron. "Now I've got this nice blistered toe to kick garden gnomes."

Unfortunately, wizard cops began to arrive at the scene.

"TO THE DRAGON!" yelled Hermione, and she jumped on the reptile's back, using him as her shield.

"What the hell Hermione!" screamed Harry, as he Stunned a cop.

"This is our only way out!" said Hermione, as the dragon began to rise.

"Wow," said Ron dreamily. "You're like one of those dragon riders in fantasy novels."

"Shut the hell up Ron!" Hermione exclaimed. "Now climb on!"

"Wait!" yelled Harry. "We forgot to beat Griphook into a pulp!"

"We don't have time for that!" shrieked Hermione as a cop actually fired a You Know What curse.

"FINE!" roared Harry, and he hopped on the dragon too, Ron still gaping at Hermione. The dragon reared, and flew up, bashing into ceilings and terrifying ickle goblins on the lobby. The dragon did actually breathe fire, blackening the marble floor. Harry whooped in excitement, Hermione looking eagerly forward, while Ron was clamping his hands over his ears, murmuring every prayer he could to the Supreme Redvine. They flew over a lake, where they decided to ditch the dragon plane, jumping into the freezing water.

"Hermione," said Ron, as he waded towards her. "Do you know Eragon Shadeslayer?"

"No," snapped Hermione.

"Still, poor Bogrod," sighed Hermione. "Blown off to bits and pieces before finding his killer rabbit."

"Who knows," said Ron. "He might be fake."

**In the scene right before the start of Chapter 4: Room of Requirement**

"BLOODY!" Harry yelled through the inferno. "You WERE real!"

The fire rabbit emerged from the flaming mass, cackled, pulled out a saw, and did something that should have been rated MA in this website.

"That," said Hermione, "was the worst choice of suicide EVER."

X

**A/N:**

**Hope you enjoyed, and for those who are curious, here's the challenge from GothKat2SlashFan:**

"**I challenge you to find the longest, most ridiculous way of putting Merlin, neon pink, fluffy and bunny rabbit slippers in the same sentence, then have Ron use it at least once."**

**Well, I think I completed the challenge. :P**


	8. NOTICE

**Hello people! First of all, I should make clear this is NOT a story chapter. But it's really important so I wish you will al read it.**

**I'm slightly running out of ideas, so I need some help. It will be appreciated if you put up challenges that you think I should complete, and only challenges will be enough for me. Make sure you only submit ONE per review, because other people deserve a chance too. I'll select the ideas that I think are suitable for this story, and shall use it on whatever situation I think it's fitting. Don't put up anything else, because I'll do fine with only those tasks. Nothing else, and remember to make it sensible and not going over rating T.**

**So, I'll sum it up: Give me a review with one challenge that I can use it to make my chapters funny, and make it sensible and appropriate. I will pick the best I think to produce the next chapter. So that's it folks. Au revoir!**


	9. The Seven Potters

**A/N:**

**Thank you so much for those who submitted the challenges! I enjoyed reading the entries, and decided to put all three in this one. I tried my best to fit in all three submitted challenges into one situation, so I'll be really glad if you comment on this one. For those who submitted, I think you'll recognise it! Keep reading!**

**X**

Recap:

Harry's evil relatives have left the house, and now, his wizard friends are all gathered to transport Harry to the Burrow….

"Guys," said Harry in wonder. "What are you doing here?"

"I know you are very pleased, Harry," said Hermione, beaming. "We're here to-"

Harry waved his hands. "No, no, I was just wondering why you guys were here."

"Why? What's wrong about it?" asked Ron, slightly perplexed.

"I can go fine alone, without all these trouble. Why bother to get an angst-filled teenager out of this mess and risk all your lives?"

Moody sighed. "Because, Potter, you are the main character created by Joanne Rowling for the Harry Potter series, just like the rest of us, and leaving the main protagonist to face the danger alone is completely irresponsible for us supporting characters."

Harry hit him in the head. "Why do I keep forgetting I'm not real?"

"Glad you remembered now," said Lupin smiling. "Now, if you'll please proceed, Miss Leia Organa Solo." Hermione suppressed a tear as she moved towards Harry, but she gave a death glare to Lupin. She deliberately approached Harry, and very quickly, yanked Harry's hair.

"SHIT!" Harry yelled, as Hermione triumphantly retreated with a load of Harry's visible DNA. "Gosh Hermione, why did you have to do that?"

"It's for the Polyjuice Po-!" Hermione started.

"I was saying you could have asked me first!" Harry raged on. "Don't you know how disrespectful it is to pull other one's hair without their permission?"

"Jeez, Harry, it's for our plan," whispered Kingsley. "You don't understand."

"What, do you guys have a shit load of Polyjuice Potion or something?" asked Harry, glaring at all of them. "Are you going to like, put my hair and drink it to be me?"

Arthur whistled. "He's very smart. Smarter than he looks actually."

"HEY!" Harry yelled.

"Mix the hair, Miss Granger," growled Moody. She obliged, and sprinkled Harry's hair on the flask. Everybody held their breath as the potion frothed, but sighed with relief when it turned gold. Harry casted suspicious glances around him, but everybody avoided his eyes.

"What's wrong with you all?" Harry burst out. "You are fictional characters, and why do you fear of drinking some stupid potion?"

"Even though we are fictional," Ron gulped, "we can still taste the potion, no matter how unreal we are. Remember that the Seven Life Processes even apply to book characters."

"And speaking of the potion," said Hermione haughtily. "You call the potion stupid; you're calling the _potioneer_ stupid."

"YOU MADE THIS POTION?" Harry yelled, horrified.

Hermione scoffed. "I mean, we did it in our second year. Why not-?"

"Actually, it was Moody," whispered Tonks. "And you never told me you made a Polyjuice Potion before."

"OH THANKS HERMIONE!" Ron and Harry yelled in unison.

Moody completely ignored his surroundings. "Fake Potters!" he barked. "Form lines!"

Ron, Hermione, Fleur, Fred, George and Mundungus came out grumbling, as they faced Moody. He passed his flask around, transforming each person's face from displeasure to totally-tortured expression. They morphed for a bit, and soon, Harry was seeing his six clones, all surveying their new body with interest.

"How do you even SEE with this?" Ron wondered out loud, as he blinked around, not wearing glasses.

"Thank the Dursleys," said Harry, a bit irritated.

"It's quite unusual to be a male for an hour," Hermione commented. "I never knew being a guy would be like this."

"Oui, eet ees quite unusual," said Fleur, with her French accent.

Harry rolled his eyes. "French," he muttered.

"Sheesh, Harry, do you have to be this short?" Fred complained. "I can't see as I used to see!"

"Shut up Fred," Harry growled. "You're 2 years older than me, and you complain about my height?"

"But you must admit, mate," said George. "That your body isn't really a top-class type of body." Everybody murmured their agreement. Harry stared angrily at them, and sucked in a deep breath.

"Here we go again," Lupin said dryly.

"You know it is very aggravating for the person when everybody complains about his body. It's not my fault I'm born like this, so why blame me? If all of you are trying to piss me off, you're doing a great job, because I feel like jumping out of this house and shooting off to space, laughing and eating chips while seeing Flatface obliterating this whole world including you guys," shouted Harry.

"That's impossible," said Kingsley.

"Oh how do you know?" asked Harry, narrowing his eyes.

"Because in Ms Rowling's mind, Harry Potter shouldn't fly off to space and let the world be destroyed; he is just one of those heroes suffering tragic losses and have a love life until he defeat the main antagonist that they are deeply connected to each other."

By hearing Kingsley's words, Harry silently crossed the room, placed his hands on the shining white wall, and started to bang his head. "If my head is thick enough to bust open multiple layers of walls," he said, continuously banging his head, "I would love to go through the fourth layer at least for my surprisingly childish ignorance."

"Harry, stop killing your brain cells," said Hermione firmly.

"I already lost loads, so why not?"

"Try to preserve your surviving cells, okay?" Hermione gently pulled Harry away. Everybody stared at the spot where Harry banged, which now remained as a cracked wall.

"COME NOW PEOPLE!" Moody roared. "WE ALREADY LOST PLENTY OF TIME, SO WE SHOULD KICK OFF FROM THIS DAMNED PLACE TOWARDS THE WEASLEY'S HOUSE!" Everybody filed out from the house, with Harry on the lead.

Once they reached the garden, they saw Thestrals, brooms and an old motorcycle. Harry immediately leapt for the broom, but a big hand lifted him, and pulled him towards the motorcycle.

"Yer goin' with me, Harry," said Hagrid gruffly.

"Hey, I wanted to take the vintage!" Harry whined. "That car looks like it's going to break any second!"

"Tha' ol' bike is Sirius'," said Hagrid. Harry stopped struggling.

"Really?" said Harry disbelievingly.

"Yep."

"_Really?_"

"Stop messin' aroun', Harry! Get in the sidecar!" Harry reluctantly inserted himself in the cramped space, looking longingly at the broom.

"Ready everybody?" Moody asked, once every Harry Potter was accompanied by an adult, riding some kind of transportation. "Good luck, even though we are all probably going to die, and our fictional deaths wouldn't affect the real world, but may the odds be ever in your favour!"

"WHAT?" Harry yelled. "IS IT REALLY THE TIME TO SAY THIS? WE'RE ALL ABOUT TO DIE, AND YOU'RE ENCOURAGING IT WITH HUNGER GAMES REFERENCE, OH VERY HELPING, MAD-EYE!" Moody just grinned at him, as the motorcycle lurched into the air. Harry grumbled on as they picked up altitude.

"The people would be devastated by my death," said Harry. "Why does no one get it?"

"Because," said Hagrid, "this is not the real world, an' maybe yer fans migh' be affected, but most o' them don't care, especially grown ups." Harry banged his head on the front of the sidecar, berating himself for forgetting his real identity.

The team went up to cloud level, all having a good time until Voldemort's party gang came in, screaming madly and waving flags with the Dark Mark.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Harry yelled, as one Death Eater came towards them. Hagrid quickly rolled out of the way, sending the Death Eater plummeting to the ground, yelling "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!"

Everybody screamed, as Death Eaters came out of nowhere, yelling triumphantly, not caring about the Muggle inhabitants below.

"A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to!" a Death Eater yelled, as he whizzed past Harry and Hagrid, aiming for Kingsley and Hermione. He quickly shot a spell at his face, sending him downwards into the existing void. But more came, much to Harry's displeasure.

"Hagrid, we've got to help them," said Harry, poking at Hagrid. It was hard to hear what he was saying through all this racket, but he was speaking gibberish, for sure.

"HAGRID!" he yelled louder. Still, he was deaf, heading towards the Burrow. Before Harry could do anything, he passed out unexpectedly, and soon, he found himself relaxing in a beautiful lagoon which all suddenly turned dark with Voldemort rising out of the water, grinning like a water demon. Harry woke with a start, and saw another Death Eater aiming a spell at them.

"_Incendio!_" Harry yelled, and the Death Eater was on flames.

"Nice!" said Hagrid, grinning.

"Yeah, that's the only good part about this world," said Harry, grinning.

"This is not the real world, Harry. It's all a story." Harry smacked himself in the head.

"I keep forgetting that!" Harry screamed, frustrated.

"Glad you do now!" Hagrid replied, as another Death Eater sent a kamikaze attack at them. Hagrid immediately started to speak gibberish, even after Harry Stunned the Death Eater.

"Hagrid!" Harry yelled. "Control yourself!"

"LALALALALATRALALALA," said Hagrid, mindlessly driving towards the Burrow. Harry sighed, and was about to adjust his glasses when he passed out again. Now, he was having a tea party with talking French fries and sodas, when every party guest turned into Death Eaters mounting zombie ponies and charged at him.

"WHOAAAAA!" Harry yelled, and he came back to his senses. He fitted his glasses back on, and looked around when another Death Eater came out of nowhere, and tried to do the You Know What curse on Hagrid.

Harry yelled in Hagrid's ears until he stared at the Death Eater, and slammed on the purple button to roast it alive. They whizzed out of the battle, ricocheting off to some unknown direction. Harry's sidecar began to slip.

"NOOOOOO!" Harry yelled. "THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!"

"It always happens to heroes!" Hagrid yelled back. "That's how it's s'pposed to be: the author captivates the audience by adding intense scenes where their hero can die! An' it usually ends with-"

A Death Eater fired a green jet of light, but the motorcycle swayed, so Harry's owl got hit instead.

"YOUR SNOWY IS DEAD!" the Death Eater cackled. "LONG LIVE THE KING!" He was taken down by George immediately.

"Well, yeah," said Hagrid. "Someone the hero deeply cares about dies."

Harry shook with anger. "THAT F***ING BASTARD! HOW DARE HE KILL MY OWL!"

"That's how it's s'pposed to be, Harry!" Hagrid explained. "There are always sacrifices! Otherwise, the story gets boring, an' we all have a role to play in this book!"

Harry hung his head. "You're right, Hagrid," he muttered dejectedly. "I have to lead my role of being an epic protagonist in this final instalment of the great Harry Potter series, even though my email account is dead." He looked sadly at Hedwig's dead body. Three Death Eaters were now tailing him, and the sidecar was about to break.

"GET IN THE CYCLE, HARRY!" Hagrid roared. "GET YER STUFF, AN' GET IN!"

Harry fumbled for his things, but before he could take up anything, the sidecar was completely detached from the cycle, falling away. Harry managed to climb up, getting his rucksack, but his Firebolt spun to the earth.

"AAARRRRRGGHHHH, NOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed furiously. "FIRST HEDWIG, NOW MY BROOM!"

"Sacrifices, Harry!" Hagrid reminded him. Harry cursed to himself, reminding himself once again, that he was a tragic fictional hero.

Harry glanced behind him, and saw that the Death Eaters were very close. So he had no choice, but to blast the sidecar.

The flaming mass managed to buy Harry and Hagrid some time, but he felt remorseful for what he had done.

"Sorry Hedwig," he muttered, raging on about not giving her a proper burial.

"Ah, she had a long good life," muttered Hagrid. Harry glared resentfully at him.

Ron and Tonks whizzed by, closely being followed by Bellatrix Lestrange.

"IN THE NAME OF SAURON, I SHALL KILL YOU!" she screamed maniacally.

"YOU'RE NOT REAL!" Ron yelled after her.

She halted in midair. "Yeah, I wasn't real," she said to herself. "Why didn't I realise that earlier? I mean, who would ever have their name as Bellatrix Lestrange? Just plain weird, in my opinion."

Harry snorted, and looked at Hagrid to see if he was blundering or not. Sadly, he was.

"Deep fried cheerios stuffed in a dishwasher," he muttered.

"Stop talking nonsense, Hagrid!" Harry bellowed. His eyes widened, as he saw a load of Death Eaters heading to their way.

"UNHOLY RETARDED SHIT OF A NOOB!" Harry screamed, and he violently turned the motorcycle away, Hagrid muttering about marauding bagels beside him.

"Oh I wonder what this would do?" said Harry in a casual tone, as he slammed his fist at a button. It released a hell lot of some gas that killed a Death Eater instantly.

"Tha' was carbon monoxide, Harry," Hagrid mumbled, now back to his normal state.

"AWESOME!" Harry exclaimed. "Does that mean, that dude there just died because the toxic molecules attached themselves to red blood cells and stopped them from getting oxygen?"

"Yes, yes, yes, no need to go scientific," said Hagrid impatiently. "Wizards in this story don't really care about science."

"Why?" Harry protested.

"Because, Harry, as I said many times: _we, are, fictional. _Who cares about science while we're fighting Voldemort and his supporters?"

Harry punched his head, and blacked out again. Now, he was in a department store, looking for sour onions that didn't exist. After passing a row of cans containing Death, he picked up the desired item, but it transformed into one of those tomatoes in the movie Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and lunged at him. Harry snapped open his eyes to see only three Death Eaters were now tailing him.

"GODS, THESE STUPID BLACKOUTS!" Harry yelled, frustrated. He wildly fired a spell, and miraculously, struck a Death Eater down. One of them sped up towards them, and Harry waved his wand to do a devastating spell until he saw the Death Eater's face.

"Hey Stan, what are you doing here?" asked Harry cheerfully. "Why not hang out with Ernie Prang on the Knight Bus?"

He didn't answer, but tried to attack him. Harry deflected the spell, and continued talking. "Wow, this world is amazing, isn't it, Stan? I mean, we can shoot all the spells we want and make jokes about people's names. You're a fine example!"

For once, confusion swept across Stan's blank face. He frowned for a bit.

"Who would want Shunpike as a surname? That's just plain retarded. It sounds like a spike getting shunned. Haven't you wondered about this before?"

"No," he replied back.

"Well, now you know. You're name is as unreal as possible, if you don't count Crookshanks," said Harry confidently. "But ah, this IS a fictional world! What was I thinking? Everyone has a weird name in fantasy novels, and the most important thing about fantasy character is that they aren't REAL."

Stan looked as if he was struck on the head. "Why didn't I think of it before?" he murmured. "I'm not real, and why am I going through all this trouble?"

"Absolutely," said Harry eagerly.

"Then I should get going. Bye." With that, Stanley Shunpike stopped flying, that is, he just dropped out of the sky. His companion growled and continued to pursue him.

"HE'S THE REAL ONE!" he yelled to his teammates. "HE'S POTTER!"

"What?" Harry asked, bewildered. "How did you know it was me?"

The Death Eater rolled his eyes. "Obviously, the real Potter speaks emotionally and makes people realise who they are."

Harry slapped his forehead. "Wow, I was really dumb just now," he muttered.

"Yes, you were." With that, the Death Eater raced ahead, and placed himself in front of their pathway, spreading out his arms. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" he screamed. Harry and Hagrid ran over him, ignoring his threat.

"Damn, are we there yet?" Harry asked impatiently.

"Dancing chopsticks, suicidal wheat," Hagrid went on.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Whatever, I'm driving this thing." He casually took the front seat, and moved the motorcycle forward.

"I know that I'm not of age," he yelled, "but I just love driving flying motorcycles! Ha, the looks on the Muggle authorities would be PRICELESS."

Just as he was starting to have some real fun, a dark line rippled through the sky. At the head of the line, Voldemort's white face appeared.

"Koh the Face Stealer?" Harry mumbled. **(A/N: For those who know Avatar: The Last Airbender, you should get this.)**

"No, you noob! I'm Voldemort!" he yelled.

Harry relaxed a bit. "Good. I was afraid if you'd steal my face."

"I'm after a different thing, Potter," said Voldemort maliciously. "THOSE WHO HAVE THE RING HAVE THE POWER TO RULE THE WORLD!"

"Um, I believe that's from Lord of the Rings," said Harry. "Are there any rings in here that needs to be dropped in a volcano?"

"Not really, no," said Voldemort, as he flew along Harry. "What I meant was: THOSE WHO KILL POTTER HAVE THE POWER TO RULE THE WORLD!"

"Okay, I have no idea how I'm related to this whole world-ruling thing," said Harry. "I'm just a deranged teenager."

"Yes, but you're EVERYTHING in this fictional world of wizards," hissed Voldemort. His words put Harry off guard.

"Who said this world is fictional?" asked Harry, eyeing Voldemort suspiciously. "I can see you well enough and breathe normally."

Voldemort sighed. "Potter, have you forgotten the fact that J. K. Rowling created this universe, so we all exist to fight each other? Do you think you're in the same world where nuclear weapons and bankruptcy are taking place?"

"Yeah, pretty much," said Harry thoughtfully. "They are all Muggle problems."

"So? Do their problems affect us?" asked Voldemort rhetorically. "Do the Muggles decide if I should kill you or not? How do they affect us? Not in the slightest, Potter. Not in the _slightest._ This is the precise reason why we are all FICTIONAL CHARACTERS."

Harry placed his head on the handle of the motorcycle, and began to cry. "I-am-such-an-IDIOT!" he gasped. "Everybody reminded me for numerous times that I wasn't r-real, but my puny brain can't take the fact in! How am I supposed to play the hero model?"

"There there, I know this is all very hard," said Voldemort soothingly. "But people of this universe needs you. _I_ need you."

Harry looked up suspiciously. "How?"

"Because I need a hero to fight," said Voldemort promptly. "What's the point of the villain when there's no one standing up to him? Well, the actual reason is because I so desperately want to KILL YOU!" With that, he lunged.

Harry wheeled away from Voldemort, and headed for a bridge, Voldemort hot in pursuit. He passed under the bridge, and Voldemort was about to do the same when a fluffy thing came down from the bridge.

"What the f-?" he started to say.

"MEEEEEEHHHHH!" a sheep bleated. It smacked Voldemort's face while bungee-jumping, and brought him down to the ground.

"Thanks sheep!" Harry yelled.

Voldemort snarled. "Do you really think one bungee-jumping sheep would stop me-?" Three more sheep came down from the sky, all attached to ropes. It smashed into Voldemort at the same time, letting Harry progress farther.

"Come on come on," he muttered, driving the vehicle full speed. Behind him, the sound of Voldemort spitting wool and cursing was very audible.

"MY PRECIOUS!" Voldemort hissed, as he came very close to Harry, starting to chant the incantation. He panicked, and was about to swear to him when his wand moved by his own accord, and shot a golden spell at Voldemort, meeting his green spell.

Voldemort's eyes widened with horror, as the spell easily overpowered him, breaking Lucius' wand. Harry gleefully retreated, leaving Voldemort howl outside the barrier, screaming "LUCIUS IS GOING TO KILL ME!"

Harry grinned, elated by his accomplishment, until they smashed into a swamp.

"Okay, the landing wasn't great," he muttered.

X

They were now all in the Burrow, crying over Mad-Eye's tragic demise, and cursing the name of Mundungus Fletcher.

"I HATE IT!" Harry yelled to everybody. "I JUST HATE MY DESTINY! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE FIGHTING THE DARK LORD? I'M ONLY 16, AND I'M BURDENED WITH ALL THESE SAVING-THE-WORLD STUFF! I'M GOING TO GET OUT OF MY FATE WHENEVER I CAN!"

"But the thing is, Harry," said Hermione timidly. "You can't."

"She's right," agreed Ginny. "Ms Rowling would have a hard time creating a new character to save the world if you refuse to do your job. Think of the Harry Potter fans. What would they say when you stop what you've been doing for the past 6 years?"

At her words, Harry crossed the room in 5 strides, and started banging his head on the wall. 2 minutes later, the wall of the Burrow busted open.

X

**A/N:**

**Hope you enjoyed reading, and here are the selected challenges for this chapter:**

**PyroPotter: ****Break the fourth wall exactly 13 times in a chapter. DO IT.**

**GothKat2SlashFan: ****Uhhhhhhhhh… *makes zombie noises for 30 minutes* …okay. Brain death over. (I think.) Let's see… something to do with the theme of killer/suicidal animals. Ooh, I know. BUNGEE-JUMPING SHEEP! …That is all.**

**Amber Tate: I dare you to make the seven potters scene. Everyone is commenting about the flaws on Harry's body, and Hermione and fluer r all awkward because it's a "different". Body. Then you have to write the motorcycle scene. Hagrid keeps speaking gibberish, Harry passes out at random moments. The death eaters keep shouting out Lord of The ring references.  
****Like:  
Hagrid: WOLHUNUTS!  
Harry: HAGRID! Watch out for the freaking Death Eaters!  
Death Eater: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!  
Or just add your own flair to it. :D**

**So, I guess this chapter answered your challenges. Hope you're satisfied. :P But I think making the characters break the fourth wall 13 times was the hardest, because it wasn't that easy to make them realise who they really are 13 times in a limited scene. There might be parts you don't count as breaking the fourth wall, so if it's like that to you, I apologise. I just had to add the carbon monoxide part, because it was bothering me, and I studied about them for chemistry exam, so it's stuck in my head forever. And, can you spot all the Lord of the Ring references in this chapter? There are total five of them.**

**Don't forget to post new challenges!**


	10. To Hogwarts

**A/N:**

**HELLO EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK! Now after my successful conquest of the Writer's Block, and producing a lengthy Minecraft Chronicles chapter, I'm back with more HHPSCHE DH ones!**

**Before we get on, I should say I never watched Avengers movie. I NEVER EVER WATCHED IT, okay? It'll make sense when you read on.**

Recap:

Harry and his gang just escaped Gringotts on the back of some helpful blind dragon, and they are currently at the shore of a random lake….

"Guys," Harry breathed heavily, as they clambered out of the lake. "He knows."

"What?" asked Hermione.

"He _knows_."

"He knows what?" asked Ron.

"Goddamit, HWMNBN knows about the stolen Horcrux!" Harry yelled.

"What's HWMNBN?" asked Hermione.

"He Who Must Not Be Named, Hermione," sighed Harry, exasperated.

"Nobody won't get it as an abbreviation," agreed Ron. "So, what now?"

"Let's think this through," said Harry. "We can't just barge into a place with Death Eaters crawling all over. We have to be sensible."

"Harry, you're suddenly all smart," said Hermione.

"Yes, I don't know why."

"Let's just get on with it, shall we?" asked Ron, slightly aggravated.

"Yeah, let's," said Hermione.

"But what are we going to do once we get to Hogsmeade?" asked Harry.

"Weren't you listening, Harry?" asked Ron. "It's time to go back to our educational spot!"

"Oh!" exclaimed Harry. He started singing, "_I'm sick of summer and this waiting around. Man, its September, so I'm skipping this town. Hey it's no mystery, there's nothing here for me now._

"_I gotta get back to Hogwarts, I gotta get back to school. I gotta get myself to Hogwarts, where everybody thinks I'm cool._

"_Back to witches and wizards, and magical beasts. To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts. It's all that I love, and it's all that I need at HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, I think I'm going back._

"_I'll see my friends, gonna laugh 'til we cry. Take my Firebolt, gonna take to the sky. NO WAY this year anyone's gonna die, and it's gonna be totally awesome._

"_I'll cast some spells, with a flick of my wand. Defeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on! And do it all with my best friend Ron, 'cuz together we're totally awesome._"

"_Yeah, 'cause together we're totally awesome!_" said Ron.

"Are you sure we should be doing this right now?" asked Hermione.

Both of them ignored her, and Ron kept singing. "_It's been so long, but we're going back. Don't go for work, don't go there for class._"

"_As long as were together,_" sang Harry and Ron. "_Gonna kick some ass,_" added Ron. "_And it's gonna be totally awesome!_" yelled Harry and Ron. "_This year we'll take everybody by storm. Stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm._"

"_But let's not forget that we need to perform well in class if we want to pass our OWLs!_" said Hermione.

"Hermione, we already did OWLs!" yelled Ron.

"Did we?" asked Hermione.

"Duh, you only got one E and you were complaining about it!" said Harry.

"Oh yeah," said Hermione.

"Gosh Hermione, sometimes you can be so forgetful!" said Ron. "Plus unfashionable."

Hermione glared at Ron, and started singing "_I may be frumpy, but I'm super smart. Check out my grades, they're "A's" for a start. What I lack in looks well I make up in heart, and well guys, yeah, that's totally awesome._

"_This year I plan to study a lot-_"

"_That would be cool if you were actually hot,_" said Ron.

"_Hey Ron, come on, we're the only friends that she's got!_" said Harry.

"_And that's cool-_" started Ron.

"_And that's totally awesome,_" finished Hermione.

"_Yeah it's so cool, yeah it's totally awesome!_" sang the three of them. "_We're sick of summer and this waiting around. It's like we're sitting in the lost and found. Don't take no sorcery, for anyone to see how._

"_We gotta get back to Hogwarts, we gotta get back to school. We gotta get back to Hogwarts, where everything is magic-cooooool._

"_Back to witches and wizards, and magical beasts. To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts. It's all that I love, and it's all that I need at HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, I think we're going back._"

"Yes, guys, we should go to Hogwarts!" said Harry. "That's where the Horcrux is."

"Are you sure, Harry?" asked Hermione.

"Obviously, since Riddle saw Hogwarts as the safest place to hide anything," scoffed Harry.

"Fine, we're going," said Ron. "But how are we going to get there?"

"Easy, we're Apparating," said Hermione.

Harry gaped at her. "Just like that? Won't there be, like, security systems around the area?"

"We won't know until we try it out," said Hermione.

"Fine, but if anything goes wrong, it's your fault," snapped Harry. Randomly, a lightning crackled on the far side of the lake.

"Oh, great, Thor's probably pissed," said Ron.

"Yeah, why would he use his hammer?" said Hermione.

As if on cue, two figures darted out from a mountain, with the following one screaming loudly.

"COME BACK HERE!" the guy yelled. "LOKI, DON'T MAKE ME USE MY HAMMER ON YOU!"

"USE IT, THEN!" cackled the followed figure.

"I DON'T WANT TO USE FORCE ON YOU, BRO!"

"ADOPTIVE BRO, YOU MEAN?" the lead guy cackled. "SORRY, I JUST LOVE TO STAY WITH THE CHITAURI ON EARTH! TELL FATHER TO WAIT ABOUT A DECADE!"

Thunder boomed across the sky, as Thor kept chasing his brother, and after a few seconds, they were out of sight.

"That was random," said Hermione.

"Oh gosh, I actually saw Thor!" squealed Harry. "I'm his No.1 fan!"

"What's so great about him anyway?" said Ron. "He just came to Earth to find his brother."

"Dude, he has this awesome hammer that is totally BEAST!" yelled Harry. "His hammer is the best thing invented, and the user himself is the best superhero created by Marvel EVER!"

"Nu-uh," said Ron. "To pick the best Avengers hero, it's definitely Captain America! His awesome shield is f***ing better than Thor's puny hammer!"

"DON'T INSULT HIM!" screamed Harry. "HOW DARE YOU COMPARE CA TO THOR? EVEN IRON MAN IS BETTER THAN HIM!"

"Not true!" retorted Ron. "Iron Man isn't worthy enough to be compared with Captain America! All he does is getting inside his iron suite and fly around."

"You forgot all the cool beams and enhanced strength," Harry pointed out.

"Still, Captain America is the best!"

"NO! Thor for the win!"

"Captain America!"

"Thor!"

"CAPTAIN AMERICA!"

"THOR!"

"CAPTAIN AMERICA, FOR F***'S SAKE!"

"THOR, GODDAMERCY!"

"What do you think, Hermione?" asked Ron, whirling away from Harry.

"Well, I think Black Widow-" started Hermione, but Harry cut her off.

"NO DON'T SAY HER NAME!" Harry hissed. "Say Thor!"

"Um, um, ah," Hermione stuttered. "But Black Widow-"

"NO! CA IS AWESOME!" Ron yelled.

"Nobody cares about your opinion, Hermione!" screamed Harry. "Black Widow is too weak compared to Thor!"

From the sky, Iron Man zoomed downwards, and halted in midair. "Um, shouldn't you guys be off to Hogwarts?"

"Oh yeah, thanks for reminding us that," said Harry. "Will you tell Thor that I love him?"

"Uh, yeah, sure kid," said Iron Man.

"Tell Steve that I'm his biggest fan!" yelled Ron.

"Sure," said Iron Man half-heartedly. "How about me?"

"I think you're pretty cool, Tony," said Hermione sweetly.

"Thanks kid," said Iron Man. "Now I should-"

"Oooh wait, can you ask Natasha to give me her number?" squealed Hermione.

"Uh, yeah," said Tony. "Right, I'm really going off." With that, Iron Man flew off.

"So, guys" said Harry. "Let's go." The two of them grabbed Hermione, and they Disapparated under the Invisibility Cloak.

X

"Yes, we arrived!" whispered Hermione. They were in an empty Hogsmeade road, and the air was surprisingly chilly.

"Where's everybody?" whispered Harry.

Without warning, a scream pierced the air, and from somewhere, somebody screamed, "JUSTIN BIEBER IS IN TOWN! JUSTIN BIEBER IN HOGSMEADE! JUSTIN BIEBER!"

"Shit!" Hermione whispered, as Death Eaters materialised out of thin air.

"Where is it?" asked a Death Eater. "If he sings one of his songs again-"

"You're here, Potter!" a Death Eater cackled. "We know you're here!"

"Got you now, Potter!" another one yelled.

A distant roar came from the southern side, and suddenly, a green giant stampeded out, smashing his fists onto Death Eaters.

"What the f-?" started a Death Eater, but the giant smashed him too.

"HULK SMASH!" he yelled, as he squashed another Death Eater, breaking the rank.

"NOW!" Harry yelled, and the three of them ran, jumping over fallen Death Eaters and turning corners, while the surviving Death Eaters shot spells after them.

"Where is he?" screamed a Death Eater.

"Get a dementor!" somebody yelled. "Make him use the Patronus Charm!"

A moment later, three dementors glided down the street, heading straight for the trio.

"Goddamercy," Harry muttered. "_Expecto Patronum!_" A silver stag cantered towards the hooded figures, driving them back.

"THERE HE IS!" a Death Eater yelled, pointing at the spot about 5 feet away from Harry.

"No, you dumbass, he's there!" another one yelled, pointing at the exact spot where Harry was standing.

"Go!" Hermione whispered, as spells began to shoot at them. Harry and his friends ran like hell, searching for sanctuary. A door opened up, and a rough hand suddenly pulled Harry in.

"What the-?" Ron started.

"Shut it," growled a man. "If you want to live, shut it, and get to the attic." They did as they were told.

As they looked out from the window, they could see a tall man, yelling at Death Eaters.

"I know Potter was here!" screamed a Death Eater. "Where is he gone to?"

"I don't know, do I?" the man bellowed. "How am I supposed to see an invisible person?"

"He is here! We saw his Patronus!"

"Rubbish!" the guy yelled. "I never saw any Potter casting a charm!"

"It was a stag, I swear. A stag-"

"You mean goat," the man growled.

"No, a stag! It had those antlers!"

"Look, I can shoot any charm I want to get those goddamned dementors. Don't go fussing about Potter!"

"You did that?" a Death Eater gasped.

"I have every right to show those soul-suckers what they deserve!"

"You broke the curfew!" the Death Eater screamed. "You dare-"

"Look, I don't give a damned shit to your stupid curfew. If a dementor is patrolling around my house, I can blast it off any time I want! Yeah, bring your master to blast my ass out of the world, but I'm going to make this area clean of dementors!"

"Fine," the Death Eater said. "But to see you one more time outside the house, we're really going to finish you off."

"Whatever!" the guy yelled, and retreated to his house, slamming the door. A few seconds later, he said, "Come down." The three of them came down.

"What the bloody shit are you kids doing here?" the man asked.

"We're trying to get to Hogwarts!" said Ron.

"Aw, you guys suddenly found interest to studying, EH?" the man grumbled.

"No, it's just that, there's something inside the castle that would help us defeat You Know Who," explained Harry.

"Yeah, and Albus is too lazy to do it himself," the man scoffed.

"Hey wait a minute," said Harry. "You're the Medium A!"

"Don't call me that!" snapped the man. "I have a perfectly normal name called Aberforth."

"Yeah, and that's completely normal," said Hermione sarcastically.

Aberforth glared at her, and said, "Don't know WHAT my parents were thinking, but thanks to our names, me, my brother and my sister were always referred as the Three As. I hate to think of it."

"Look, Ab," said Harry. "We have to get to Hogwarts somehow. Don't you have any secret passages?"

"Yeah," replied Aberforth. He turned to a portrait where a girl was standing. "Hey sis, fetch me the kid." The girl nodded, and disappeared.

"Is that Ariana?" asked Harry.

"Yes," sighed Aberforth. "And all the good ones die young."

"What happened?" asked Ron.

"Well, Albus, his soul mate and I were fighting each other, thanks to Grindelwald's ignorance," started Aberforth. "Then, Ariana came in, and one of our spells killed her."

"I'm sorry," muttered Harry.

"Ah I got over it," mumbled Aberforth. "I have her in this portrait, so I'm not alone." From that portrait, two figures approached, and the portrait swung open, to reveal-

"Neville?" asked Ron incredulously.

"S'up, mates?" asked Neville. He was quite dishevelled and scarred.

"What happened to you?" asked Hermione.

"The Carrows," said Neville. "Hey Ab, good to see you."

"Yeah whatever. Just take them and get out of my sight," said Aberforth.

Neville chuckled. "Grumpy as ever." He went in again, and Harry, Hermione and Ron followed.

"Thanks for everything, Aberforth," said Harry.

"Whatever. Now shoo."

The kids walked down the tunnel, while Neville explained the situations of Hogwarts, like how the Carrows were dominating the school, how Snape's been, and all the other crap that the Carrows forbade the students.

"I mean, Carrow the Second Cruciates us just for humming Bruno Mars songs," said Neville. "Seriously, Amycus hates Jonas Brothers too. All the girls are dying mentally."

"That's just plain wrong. They have rights to like singers," said Harry. "Seriously, what's Snape thinking?"

"Oh he's thinking about some other ways to cook the giant squid," said Neville. "Because of that, the squid left the lake."

"How?" asked Hermione.

"Simple. Just follow the current until it goes to some totally different place."

"Oh."

"Yep, we're here," said Neville, as he opened up a door to reveal the Room of Requirement.

"What the hell, Neville?" asked Seamus, as Neville grinned and waved at the crowd below.

"Guess what, people?" asked Neville.

"Taylor Lautner is here!" a Hufflepuff girl squealed.

"No you idiot! Harry Potter is back!" Everybody cheered, except for the Hufflepuff girl.

"People," announced Harry. "If you'll kindly vacate the Room of Requirement now-"

"No way!" yelled Michael Corner. "Alecto Carrow is out to hunt us, and you're telling us to go out there?"

"Yeah, we can help!" said Neville.

"If you're looking for Ravenclaw's diadem," Luna piped up.

Harry swivelled towards Luna. "Tell me more."

**After Chapter 5**

After Voldemort spoke in the magnifying voice, everybody was in chaos. Students screamed their heads off while the teachers attempted to calm them down. Suddenly, through the main entrance, Hulk lumbered in.

"It's Hulk!" said Hermione.

"And the other Avengers!" Ron yelled excitedly.

At once, students began to scream their names and ask for autographs, as the whole Avengers team assembled themselves on the hall.

"Do not panic, please," called out Captain America. Everybody squealed, and asked to sign their uniforms.

"Captain America, I'm your biggest fan," said Ron. "Can-can I have your autograph?" Captain America wordlessly signed Ron's book. "Thanks!" said Ron.

"Oh my gosh," breathed Hermione. "I love you Natasha! Please sign this!" she squealed, as she held out a random piece of book. The rest of the students pestered the Avengers for autograph.

"Hey, Tony," said Hawkeye. "I hear that Loki is using the Tesseract again in Manhattan."

"Oh great," muttered Iron Man. He turned to the fans and said, "Sorry, British folks. It seems that we have some trouble over at America. Hopefully we'll be back." Despite the pleas and protests from students, the Avengers team left the castle.

"Oh gods! Oh gods!" Harry squealed. "I got to shake Thor's hand!"

"Look at my books!" said Hermione. "Black Widow actually used my quill to sign it!"

"Hell yeah, Captain America's signature in my papers!" whooped Ron. "Ha, wait till Fred and George see this."

"Hang on," said Harry. "You know we were so unlike ourselves today?"

"Yeah, why?" asked Hermione.

"I felt like I was Hermione!" Harry exclaimed.

"Bloody hell!" said Hermione. "That's weird."

"Hey Hermione, you sound like me!" said Ron. "So you had my personality!"

"I guess, yeah!" said Hermione. "How can this be?"

"I dunno," said Ron. "And I felt really aggravated."

"You must have been Harry!" said Hermione. "It explains your sudden angst personality. And also tells why Harry was suddenly more logical."

"Yeah, and you were unnaturally dumb, Hermione," said Harry.

"I'm not dumb!" said Ron indignantly.

Teachers tried to sort the fighting ones and the leaving ones, but people were too absorbed in Avengers.

"Snap," said McGonagall. "I wish there's a spell to order them around."

"Minerva!" said Slughorn. "Iron Man actually signed my crystallized pineapple case!" He waved the can to prove his point.

Minerva facepalmed.

**At Voldemort's side….**

Voldemort stared at the castle, which was filled with screams and squeals of delight. "What in the name of f*** is going on there?" he wondered.

"I don't know, my lord," Avery murmured. "Perhaps they are-"

"_Theyna,_" ordered Voldemort, and Avery fell silent.

"My lord, if you don't mind me asking," mumbled Rabastan Lestrange. "Why do you suddenly use spells from the Inheritance Cycle?"

"I dunno, I feel like it," shrugged Voldemort. He tensed, and muttered "_Brisingr_." A bright flame popped up in his palm, and he used it to illuminate the dark area. The disturbance was only ants moving around on the ground, scattering before the bright light.

"Why, they are just ants!" said Rabastan. Voldemort ignored him, and pounced.

He yelled "_Jierda!_" and an ant lay broken on the floor. "_Deyja!_" he hissed, pointing at an ant, which instantly fell dead. He continued to slaughter ants until he uttered "_Kveykva!_"

Lightning flashed down on the ant colony, charring the insects and the ground, with Voldemort laughing maniacally.

"I have won!" he cackled. "I defeated the almighty ant army!" He continued to gloat about his victory while the Death Eaters stared at him.

"What's wrong with him?" muttered Rabastan, as Voldemort laughed insanely, jeering at ant corpses.

X

**A/N:**

**And the challenges used for this chapter are:**

**GothKat2SlashFan: Let's see… have everyone swap personalities and not realize it until the end of the chapter. Or, you know, the next chapter. Whatever you like :P**

**BlackPanther101: a random scene where they sing 'Going Back to Hogwarts' (from AVPM)**

**And, even though she's not mentioned here, Amber Tate suggested a challenge, including the random Avengers characters. I thought it was near-impossible for me to complete her challenge, but I liked the Avengers idea, so I used it. Give credit to her for that!**

**The spells used by Voldemort are obviously from Inheritance Cycle. I just felt like using them.**

**And I apologise to JB fans about the Caterwauling Charm. It's just for amusement, okay? I don't hate Justin Bieber: I have neutral feelings to singers.**


	11. ANNOUNCEMENT

**Hello readers, HPE24 here. I sincerely apologise to everybody about the long absence: I had loads to do, like writing my popular stories and stuff. -_-**

**But now, my mind just doesn't let me write this story anymore, so I can't continue. I'm really really sorry. **** BUT, I'm thinking of writing one for Half-blood Prince or writing a fanfiction of HP characters using this website. I'm leaning for the second option more since I want to try something new, so I hope you can all understand and read those instead. But I'm not sure about the update rate either, seeing as I can't write a chapter once a month. I will be writing to please my HP fans, but I also have Minecraft fans to take care of, so don't yell at my face for the lack of writing HP stuff. I have more people to please in the Minecraft fandom. Okay? AWESOME.**

**For the last time, so sorry about this. I lack of inspiration. D:**


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